Counselee's Testimonial Continued...
Last year my world came crashing down and everything I ever believed in was suddenly gone. God finally brought me to a point where the blinders fell off my eyes, and I realized that I couldn’t continue to keep all of the plates spinning in my life. My marriage was in shambles and I couldn’t do anything about it. My children were suffering and in pain because of it and I couldn’t do anything about that either. My initial reaction was to do what any “good Christian girl” would do. I rolled up my sleeves and fought for my marriage! I determined that the devil would not have my family and that God would use all of this for good. The price would be high, but I was willing to pay it. I thought if I did all the right things, this could be fixed. I read the books, sought counsel, found a marriage seminar, and trusted God for a miracle. I tried to change for my husband, fix myself etc.
I even lied to my kids thinking that somehow that gave my marriage a better chance of being restored. And all for the cause of DOING GOOD! So God could “get the glory”! Little did I know that He doesn’t need my GOOD, he needs my
HEART. For the first time in my life, thanks to this new revelation, I can honestly say…
I AM A TOTAL FAILURE.
Through the events that occurred this last year God brought me to a place where I came to realize that no matter how capable or skilled I was, or how efficiently I performed I couldn’t save my marriage. I couldn’t save my husband. And I couldn’t save my kids from the damage this had done. Neither could I save them from the effect it will have on the rest of their lives. I couldn’t save the ministry we were involved in, I couldn’t save our business, I couldn’t save our reputation, and I couldn’t save our income.
I couldn’t save ANYTHING!
The most profound realization I came to is that I couldn’t even save ME. I had never known what was at the root of my ‘doing’ and what I was missing. The problem was that I was at the center of my own universe and I had missed
what it really means to be a Christian and that is CHRIST IS MY LIFE. He is my source and without HIM, I really, really, really, am nothing. LIVING FOR CHRIST is not the purpose of my life!!! SERVING GOD has kept me from God!! Doing
Good was Satan’s way to keep me from experiencing CHRIST and LIVING FROM HIM, not FOR HIM; allowing Him to live His life through me. There was no FREEDOM because I was bound to religion and its activity. I’m now done with “playing the role” and trying to keep an image that I thought I was supposed to maintain. My “Christian life” didn’t work the way I was living it and I’m over it. I can’t fix or save anything. I am a total failure and I’m finally… finally… OK WITH THAT!!! It’s actually a huge relief because it’s not up to me anyway!
I was never taught differently until now, and never had this understanding and revelation until now. I know it’s just the beginning for me but it feels really good. Really good.